


Losing You

by wanderer765



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6220456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderer765/pseuds/wanderer765
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's safe now. He'll think she means nothing. A mantra played in his mind. Zoom would have no reason to go after her now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He'll Think She Means Nothing

"....I guess what I'm trying to say, and failing at apparently, is that I'm in love with you Barry. Head over heels in love with you. I've never been surer about anything in my life. I think that I've always been in love with you...it was just such a natural part of me that I didn't realize that that's what I was feeling all those years."

She smiled at him nervously, as tears threatened to break free from her eyes. It was colder than an April night should be, but Iris barely noticed as the adrenaline pumped through her veins. She stared at her best friend, as he stood there motionless on the Jitters rooftop. She reached out to take his hand, offering up a silent apology for all the years they'd wasted, and was startled when he backed away from her touch. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Bear..."

He rubbed his temples and scrunched his face in pain, as if what she had just said had broken him. Her heart was racing and panic hit her at lightning speed. Ironic.

"Iris...I mean...I don't know what to tell you." He looked up at her and tried to keep his face as neutral as possible.

"A year ago this was all that I wanted. For as long as I can remember I was consumed by the love that I had for you. Consumed. It killed me seeing you with Eddie, having you choose him over me, but I knew that it was my fault. I forced myself to get over you Iris, I had to. I fell in love with someone else and even though that's over and she's gone now I have to be honest...I'm just....I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm sorry Iris, but those feelings...they're gone."

The tears that were mere threats a few moments ago were now stinging her face as they made their escape. _Of course_ she thought to herself. How could she be so dumb? It was so obvious in the way that he'd been treating her the past 9 months or so. Ever since the singularity he was cold and unavailable, seemingly interested in everyone and everything except her. She hadn't wanted to accept the reality of their drifting relationship and had chalked it up to them just needing a little bit of space. But the truth was that he didn't care about her anymore. The other people in his life had replaced her. All she had brought him in the last two years was heartache, so of course he would fall out of love with her.

"I'm sorry..." She said faintly, sounding less brave then she'd intended. She had one hand clenched in her pocket as she tried to keep some semblance of control over her emotions. The other hand was pressed flat against her forehead as everything started to make sense in her mind.

"I should've seen it. God I'm so stupid...after everything that's happened how could I be so naive to think that you'd still be in love with me? I should've never asked you to come up here...Jesus. I'm so embarrassed, please don't tell anyone about this Barry." She looked up at him with pleading eyes before turning and running towards the door.

_Iris._

He had to willingly stop himself from running after her. Barry's heart had stopped beating for those few moments and he'd all but forgotten to breathe. He felt dizzy and nauseous as he reached for the wall, crouching down and finally exhaling the breath he'd been holding.

 _Fuck_.

If you had told Barry Allen that he would one day turn Iris West down, he would've laughed in your face. It was unimaginable, impossible; it went against every law in nature. Bartholemew Henry Allen would never, ever do that. Yet here he was, a broken man, crying alone on a rooftop after turning down Iris West and dare he say it...having broken her heart.

His sadness quickly turned to anger as he gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. The only thing he could do was run, so that's what he did, as far and as fast as he could. Everything was a blur as he replayed the evening’s events in his mind. It had all started with a light and playful dinner with Iris. He had let his guard down; flirted with her, let her hands wander to his on occasion. _Idiot_. He had let things feel normal again and for what? All it did was make her brave, make her think they had a chance, when the exact opposite was true.

 _She's safe now. He'll think she means nothing._ A mantra played in his mind. Zoom would have no reason to go after her now.

He stopped running and found himself at the lake, in the exact spot where Iris had first confessed her love for him. He closed his eyes and could taste her lips, feel the way they moved against his, feel the way her hands had held onto his coat.

"I'm so sorry Iris." He whispered into the night air as he fell to his knees. "I'm so sorry for everything. I love you so much...too much...he'll see that and he'll take you away from me. I had to do this. I had to lose you on my own terms because I can't bear the thought of him hurting you. I had to make you think that it was real. I had to break your heart. I had no other choice, right?"

He had never felt so worthless and empty in all his life. He'd never hated the fact that he was the Flash until this night. Harry had told him that Zoom would take who was most important to him and rip them from existence and after everything that had transpired on earth two, Barry knew he couldn't risk it. Zoom was too powerful and now he had won. He had taken away the most important person in his life.

 

******************************

 

Iris was so grateful it was the weekend. She could stay in her apartment alone and no one would think it odd. Her eyes slowly opened to the morning light, heavy and sore from all the crying she had done the night before. She covered her head with her pillow, the sunlight only amplifying her headache. She silently cried to herself, exhausted, empty, until she drifted back into a somber sleep.

She awoke a couple hours later to the buzzing of her phone. _Wally_. She sighed at the thought of having to do anything but lay in her bed all day. She slid her finger over the 'read message' display and rolled onto her back.

Wally: Hey Iris! Are we still on for lunch and an early movie?

 _Shit_. There was no way she could function as a human being today.

Iris: Hey Wally. So sorry to have to cancel, but I have this crazy deadline for an article and have so much research to do. I'm going to be glued to my computer these next two days. Rain check?

Wally: Barely your brother for 5 minutes and you're already coming up with excuses to get out of hanging out with me *insert rolling eyes emoji*

Iris: Shut up lol

Wally: Don't work too hard sis

She locked her phone and before she could catch it, it slipped out of her hands hitting her square on the nose. She winced in pain and half-heartedly giggled to herself. _Barry would be_....She closed her eyes and cursed under her breath. It was something Barry always made fun of her for. Dropping her phone on her face was not a new thing and despite him telling her numerous times that she should sit up or text on her side, she continued to do it.

 _I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm sorry Iris, but those feelings...they're gone_. She curled herself into a tight ball and covered her body with her comforter.

 

***********************************

 

Her room was etched in a hazy light as the sun made its decent from the sky. Had she really just slept the entire day away? _Pathetic._ She swiftly removed the blankets that were enveloping her and tried to sit upright. Her stomach growled from lack of food and her head pounded from dehydration. Slowly she made herself stand. She made her way to the kitchen and caught a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror. Eyes red. Mascara in places mascara should not be. Her hair was all over the place. Her skin, she noticed, looked dull. The usual light it carried was missing. She looked down and kept walking. She grabbed a cup and poured herself some water, not engaged in any of the tasks she was performing. She felt like a robot, aimlessly doing things without really being in control. She sipped from her glass and looked out her window. Right as she turned to look away she saw him. A streak in the distance that could only be Barry. She swallowed hard and ran back towards her bedroom, slamming the door, and crawling back into her cocoon.

There's something so sad about losing somebody who's still here.

_Barry...why?_

The tears started flowing again until finally she succumbed to her exhaustion, drifting back to sleep, just as the sky went dark.


	2. Monday

Monday. It came a lot quicker than Barry would've liked. It had been a fairly quiet weekend in terms of his duties as the Flash, so he had spent most of it cooped up in his tiny apartment. He dreaded having to see Joe at the precinct. He had no idea if Iris had said anything to him over the weekend about what had transpired on Friday night. Luckily he had a bunch of reports he needed to finish, so avoiding him wouldn't be too hard.  
  
He tossed and turned before finally giving up and getting dressed for the day. He'd gotten maybe 8 hours of sleep total, for the whole weekend. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her standing there, tears falling, completely broken, and he would have to get up. He'd never watched so much trash TV in his life, but he needed something mindless to occupy his time.  
  
He took his time that morning, walking at normal speed to get his morning cup of coffee at Jitter's. He didn't have the energy to run right now, plus running at super speed made the day go by more slowly and that was the last thing he needed.  
  
It was busy as usual, but he happily stood in line. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he quickly reached in to see who had messaged him. His body slumped over a bit when reality hit him that it wouldn't be from who he had wanted it to be from. Every morning he and Iris would text their hello's, whether it be to wish each other a good day or to complain about the long line at Jitter's. Needless to say, the text was not from Iris but from Joe, asking if he'd mind to get him a cup of coffee. Barry sighed. _So much for avoiding you today_.  
  
He looked up from his phone after typing a quick response and there she was, tucked away in the back corner with her laptop and journal out. She ran her hand through her hair and took a sip of her coffee. She rested her head in her hand as she looked aimlessly out the window, tapping her pen against the paper of her journal. He could see her take a slow, deep breath as she closed her eyes. She looked different, like part of the light she always carried with her had been dimmed. It made his stomach twist knowing that he was the cause of it.  
  
He felt a tap on his shoulder.  
  
"Dude, the line has moved like 10 feet."  
  
"Oh, oh I'm sorry," he said as he quickly closed the gap between him and the person in front of him.  
  
He ordered his drink and a drink for Joe and made small talk with the barista who he'd known for years. When he finished up he looked back to the table to see Iris was gone. He wondered if she'd seen him and had left to avoid him. He longed to see her smile, hear her voice, have her wrap her arms around him in a hug. But he knew it had to be this way.  
  
Barry walked into the precinct trying to be as normal as possible and made his way to Joe's desk.  
  
"One large coffee."  
  
"Ah, bless you Barry. Hey, everything ok with you? Didn't hear from you at all this weekend."  
  
_Yeah, I was drowning in self pity, for having broken your daughter's heart._  
  
"Everything's fine, I just hung around at home and Star labs. I just needed a low key weekend."  
  
"Ok. Well Iris is making dinner tonight and Wally will be over. I'm sure she already told you about it but I figured I'd remind you."  
  
_Fuck._  
  
"Right. Well I'll try to make it, I'm not sure yet but I think Caitlin wanted to run some tests on me tonight for...something. I'll try though."  
  
He didn't like lying to Joe, but there was no way he could show up at the West house tonight. He'd completely cave the second she looked in his eyes and he couldn't risk that happening.

 

************************************

  
  
The hours ticked by as Barry made his way through report after report and test after test, his pile of work quickly diminishing. He hadn't been this focused on his day job in a long time. It felt good to only think about CSI stuff.  
  
The sky grew darker and the lack of sleep made it's way through his body as he slumped over his microscope, the one Iris had bought him a few Christmases ago. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed as he sat back. He let his head rest on the back of his chair and closed his eyes.  
  
There was a gush of wind and papers flew in the air like leaves in a fall breeze. Blue electricity filled the dimly lit space. Barry sat up in his chair.  
  
"You thought I wouldn't find your weak spot Flash? You thought you could keep her safe? Your love for her is apparent in every single thing you do, in every choice you make. A blind man could see that she's the one you live for. No amount of space you put between her and you will ever change that. You left her alone, you didn't keep her safe and now look at her."  
  
Barry's eyes filled with tears as he looked at the body Zoom held. Limp. Lifeless. He held on to the front of her green jacket, her hair sprawled on the floor.  
  
"I told you I'd take what was most important to you. Good luck beating me now Flash."  
  
He was gone and he had left her lifeless body on the floor, like she was nothing. He tried to go to her but his body felt like it was filled with cement and he was too weak to move. Unable to do anything but watch her lay there, he screamed.  
  
"Bear...Barry?! Wake up!"  
  
His eyes shot open. A thin line of sweat covered his forehead and his breathing was heavy.  
  
"Joe. Sorry, I must...I must've fallen asleep."  
  
"Ya and you had quite the dream I guess. You ok?"  
  
"No, no I'm not ok. I need to get to Iris right now."  
  
Barry grabbed his jacket and ran towards CCPN.

 

               ************************************

 

He stood outside the building and let out a sigh of relief when he saw her sitting at her desk. He knew it had just been a dream, but her being gone had felt so real. He opened the door and his heart rate increased when he saw her turn towards him. He had seen her from a distance that morning, but being only feet from her and looking into her eyes again made him weak in the knees. She looked so fragile, like him saying one wrong word would make her wither into nothingness. He hated himself for ever thinking this whole thing was a good idea.

"Iris."

She closed her eyes and turned away from him, drinking in the sound of her name on his lips. He walked over to her and cautiously placed his hand on her back.

"Can we talk...please?"

She shook his hand off of her and shifted her body away from him. There was disappointment and anger apparent in her eyes.

"Why are you here?"

His heart sank and he cowered a little.

"Iris, please. Can we just go somewhere private for a moment?"

She hesitated for a few moments, but held his stare. Her eyes softened a bit and she grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair as she stood up and pushed past him. He quickly followed behind her. She stayed walking in front of him and made her way to an alleyway. She stopped and turned towards him.

"Talk."

Her tone was cold and distant.

As awful as he felt about hurting her, he couldn't help but also feel a slight happiness and hope. She had to of really loved him to be this upset with him. He closed the distance between them and took her hands in his.

"Listen. I went about this all wrong and for that I am so, so sorry. I thought it was what I had to do to keep you safe. Zoom said that he would take the person I love the most so I thought that if I pretended that you meant nothing to me he would have no reason to go after you. I realize how crazy that is now. So much of what I do and so many of the choices that I make are driven by my love for you, and there's no hiding that. My feelings for you have never changed Iris. It's impossible for me to not be in love with you. I was naive to think that pushing you away was the answer, that I'd somehow be able to think more clearly and be more focused so that I could finally beat him. But in reality, I've never felt more weak, I've never been more sure that without you I'll never have the strength to beat him. I need you."

Iris blinked and a tear fell. Barry reached up his hand to brush it away as she lifted her hand and held onto his wrist.

"You should've just been honest with me. How many times do we have to go through this? How many more times will we have this conversation? I just wish you could trust me the way that I trust you. Have a little faith that I'll be understanding, that the two of us coming up with a solution together is better than you shutting me out and pushing me away."

She let go of his hand and looked down.

"No one has the power to hurt me like you do Barry, not even Zoom...and I do love you, I won't deny that anymore, I just.."

Barry stopped her with a kiss. He dropped his hands to her waist and pulled her body towards him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, letting all her angers and frustrations leave as her body relaxed.

They broke apart and smiled at each other, both a little dazed.

Iris' eyes dilated quickly as she looked behind Barry. Before he could turn to see what she was looking at she was gone, nothing but blue electricity left in her wake. He stood there in shock before it registered to him that his nightmare had come true.

Zoom had her.

 


	3. Zoom

Barry ran without a clear destination. He had hesitated to move when Zoom first took her and had no idea where to look. Why had he hesitated?

He ran and he ran depleting his body of all of it's energy, but he couldn't stop. Every second that passed increased the chances that she was hurt. He had no idea how much time had gone by but he could feel himself getting slower, his focus disappearing as his body wore out, so he made his way to Star Labs.

He skidded into the main room and immediately dropped to the floor. He leaned against the wall and brought his knees to his chest. Cisco, Caitlin and Harry all stood and stared at the sobbing man in front of them. He was saying something but they couldn't quite make it out.

Cisco walked over to sit beside him, offering a hand to his friend. Barry kept his face hidden in his arms.

"Barry, dude what's up? You're scaring us. Talk to me man."

Barry lifted his head. His face had no color which made the redness of his eyes that much more noticeable. He hit his head against the back of the wall and pounded his fist on his knee. He spoke through gritted teeth.

"He took her. Zoom...he took Iris."

His eyes closed as he tried to breathe, but he was hyperventilating. He ran his hands through his hair. He stared straight ahead as his vision grew blurry and his body grew hot. He struggled to get his jacket off and moved until he was on all fours, steadying himself before he tried to stand.

"I have to keep running, I have to get to her before..."

"Barry you need to sit down, please. You've completely exhausted yourself. Let me have a quick look at you."

Caitlin grabbed his arm and walked him over to a chair. Cisco brought him a bar to help replenish his nutrients and Harry handed him his water bottle as he knelt down in front of him.

"Breathe Allen. We will find her, I promise you. Tell us what happened."

Barry took a couple deep breaths, willing himself to stop crying so that he could talk.

"I have to find Joe, he needs to know."

Barry tried to move but Wells pushed him back down in the chair.

"Focus Barry. You're no good to her in the state that you're in. We need to know what happened so that we can help you and we can't help you or her if you pass out, alright? Mr. Ramon, why don't you text Joe and have him come down here."

_No one has the power to hurt me like you do Barry, not even Zoom..._

"I was so stupid. I should've known he'd get to her, I should've never let her out of my sight. If he..."

He started crying again and his breathing quickened. He placed his hands over his eyes and shook his head.

_I do love you..._

"Stop. Focus Barry. We're wasting time ok, you need to calm down."

Wells stood up.

"I know you're gonna try and beat yourself up about this and blame yourself. Fine. You'll have plenty of opportunities to do that, but now is not the time. We need a plan, we need to think about the places that he might've taken her."

Barry looked up at him. As upset and as crazy as he felt right now he was thankful for the no nonsense approach that Wells always offered. Straight and to the point.

"Ok...ok ummm we were standing outside of CCPN, in the alleyway and..."

He tried to focus but he kept having flashbacks of his nightmare, seeing her lifeless body laying on the floor. He shook the thought out of his head.

"Fuck...sorry...so uh, we were talking in the alleyway, finally having an honest moment together. I told her how I was afraid Zoom would take her and that's why I've been so distant, and that I had realized that it was stupid to think that would make things any better. She...she told me she loved me and we kissed and that's when he took her."

Right at that moment Joe walked in.

"Hey. I got here as fast as I could. Cisco said there's an emergency? What happened?"

Barry couldn't bring himself to look at Joe, the guilt of everything weighing heavily on him.

Joe moved closer to where they all stood and looked around the room at them, they all stayed silent. Reality sunk in.

"Where's Iris? What happened to her?"

Barry looked up at Joe, tears streaming down his face. His voice shook as he tried to speak.

"I'm so sorry Joe. If I hadn't hesitated...I..."

Joe placed his hand over his mouth and held onto the edge of one of the desks.

"No."

Cisco placed a comforting arm on Joe's back.

"Hey, we're gonna find her. She's going to be alright. She's not the one he really wants ok, he wants Barry. This is all just a way for him to get to him. He won't hurt her. It doesn't do any of us any good to think like that."

Barry and Joe shared a look. Both men were devastated but trying to be brave for each other. Wells interrupted their silent moment.

"Joe, I am very sorry about what's happening, truly I am, but people we need a plan. Precious time is being wasted here. Mr. Allen think of any and every place he might've taken her. In the meantime, Ramon, Snow, why don't we start a list of all abandoned buildings in the area."

Caitlin and Harrison got to work making a list of places, while Cisco looked up his meta human app to see if anyone had reported seeing a speedster with blue lightning around the city.

Barry sat with his body slumped forward and his hands on the back of his head.

"Joe?"

He didn't look up at him but heard Joe walk over to him.

"I promise you I'll find her, even if it kills me. I won't let that monster hurt a hair on her head. I will bring her back to you and he will pay for this."

"I know Barry...and she's stronger and braver then you or I could ever be. She's probably already turned Zoom into a reformed man. Watch, he'll bring her back here and apologize for ever coming into our lives."

They quietly laughed through tears.

"No one can resist giving into her when she looks at you with those big, beautiful eyes of hers."

Barry knew that probably better than anyone.

_I just wish you could trust me the way that I trust you..._

He knew she was out there somewhere, still believing in him and trusting him with her life. He had to find her and end this once and for all.

 

****************************

 

When Iris came to, she found herself locked in a cell. Her head pounded from being knocked unconscious, but the rest of her body appeared to be unharmed.

She looked around for any signs that could tell her where she was, but it was so dark. She stood and walked toward the bars that held her captive and hung on to them with a death grip.

 _Barry_.

Blue lightning illuminated the space outside where she stood and she stepped back in fear.

"Glad to see you awake Ms. West."

"How long have I been here?"

"Long enough to make that hero of yours panic I'm sure."

"What do you want Zoom? What exactly do you think kidnapping me is going to accomplish, other then get you killed?"

In the blink of an eye she found herself face to face with the demon speedster. He grabbed her face with his hand.

"I'd watch the way you talk to me if I were you. I wasn't planning on hurting you, but plans can change very quickly Iris."

He let go of her face and she cowered back away from him.

"I know what you mean to him and I've made it easy for him to find you. He'll come here and I'll have him right where I want him. He doesn't stand a chance against me. I'll finally suck him dry of all his speed..."

He knelt down beside her. He pulled his cowl off of his face and looked her dead in the eye.

"...and then I'll kill him."

Shock and confusion hit her as she looked at the man in front of her.

"Jay?!"

And just like that she was alone again. She let herself cry as she crawled into the corner. All she could think about was Barry and how he would undoubtedly run right into the trap he had set up for him.

_Jay?_

She couldn't believe they'd been fooled again. No wonder he knew to take her. He'd seen them interact, he knew what she meant to him, that she was his one real weakness.

She closed her eyes and waited for Barry to come to her, trying to focus on the last moment they shared together.

She thought about how scared he must be, how worried he must feel and it broke her heart. Everything he had tried to prevent was happening. She whispered into the empty space.

"I believe in you Barry. I know you can do this. I trust you fully and completely and I love you. I hope you can feel that, wherever you are right now. Let it fuel you."

She heard a rush of wind but refused to open her eyes. Someone was walking toward her. She hid her face in her arms and scrunched her eyes closed even tighter.

"Iris?"

Her body immediately relaxed at the sound of his voice and she ran to the edge of the cell. Before she could reach him she saw the familiar blue electricity lighting up the space behind where he stood.

"Barry look out!"


	4. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must admit, I stressed about this chapter, afraid I wouldn't be able to pull it off. BUT, thanks to amazing friends (most importantly the brilliant, beautiful and all knowing Tati) I was able to finish. I'm nervous though...so please be nice. Lol :)
> 
> Also, it's not as long as I thought it would be...sorry.

Iris stepped back in shock as she watched Barry be dragged away by Zoom. She was left alone again until she saw a blur of lights. The bars of her cell shook as Barry's body was thrown against it. He slumped over and coughed in pain.

"Barry! Oh my god..." she placed her hand over her mouth.

She felt so helpless. She ran over to where his body rested against the cell and reached her hand out to him, resting it on his shoulder.

"You have to get up Barry. I know you can do this, don't let him win. GET UP!"

Zoom stood in the distance, waiting, like he had all the time in the world. His arms were crossed and he stood proud, as if he had already won. Barry placed his hand on hers.

"I need you to know how much I love you Iris. I'm sorry for ever lying to you and for keeping things from you. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you. Thank you for never giving up on me. You're the reason I was able to make it this far, never forget that okay? I love you-"

"No. Don't talk like that Barry you're-"

Before she could finish what she was saying he ran to where Zoom was. The abandoned warehouse lit up with blue and yellow lightning, a storm unlike anything she had ever seen. They were moving so fast she couldn't keep track of what was happening or who was who.

They would run out of the building and then back into the building, a dizzying array of electricity. She closed her eyes again as the sound of broken bones and cries of pain filled the space.

  
Amidst everything that was happening, Barry's focus was still on Iris. He looked over to where she was. She looked so scared and so sad and he hated Zoom for doing this to her. He let this new surge of anger fuel him and he quickly regained control of the situation, grabbing ahold of Zoom and leading him outside again. He ran them into the woods and with all of his strength, he threw Zoom against a tree. He was taken back by the force he had just used. Zoom was left motionless, giving Barry a few moments to think.

"Barry!"

Barry focused on the voice that came through in is ear.

"Guys, what's the plan? I've knocked him down but not for long, I only have a few minutes before this starts up again."

"Ok, I think this could work. Listen. You need to drag him into the Speed force. Run as fast as you can for as long as you can. Back on my earth, Jay once told me this little thing about the Speed Force. Long story short, it's like a heaven of sorts for Speedsters. Once a speedster is in there long enough they get lost, it calls out to you, it wants to keep you there."

"Why have you never told me this before? Why am I just now hearing about this?"

"Because it's dangerous Barry, and without something to anchor you here you could be lost to the Speed Force for good. I can't be certain, but I think your love and connection to people here could be enough to pull you out of it...more specifically, Iris and your love for each other. She could be the one to anchor you here."

"But what happens if Zoom has someone to anchor him too? What if he doesn't stay lost?"

"I think it's a risk you're going to have to take. I don't know what other way you can win this. You have to move quickly though, take him before he gets the upper hand again. Run Barry, run!"

He turned his attention back to where Zoom was and found that he was standing. He was definitely a little worse for the wear, they both were, but he was up and ready to fight.

Barry thought about what Wells had said about the Speed Force. The thought of being lost forever was terrifying, but the thought of staying here and losing, knowing that Zoom would win on this playing field and kill everyone he loved, was even more terrifying. He had no choice but to run.

Before he could get a hold of Zoom he was pinned up against a tree, struggling to breathe through the tight grip Zoom had around his neck.

"You fool. You should've killed me when you had the chance, yet you stood there, once again wasting precious time. You're a coward Flash and you will always be too slow."

He placed his free hand on the base of his cowl before pulling it up over his head. Barry's eyes grew wide in shock.

"Jay? I don't-"

"I was right under your nose the whole time, learning your weaknesses and I have to say, it was much easier to gain your trust and your help than I would've thought."

A rush of thoughts and emotions ran through Barry's head, but the most prominent was anger and the sense of betrayal. He used that anger and freed himself from Jay's grip. He looked Jay straight in the eyes.

"I am not a coward."

Yellow lightning lit up his eyes as he grabbed Jay by his cowl and ran. He ran harder and faster than he ever had.

_How could I let this happen again?_

He could feel the Speed Force growing inside of him as another surge of energy pulsed through his veins. Before he knew it they were inside the Speed Force. Jay tried to grab a hold of Barry, but Barry kept running and running and running. He ran past so many memories. He ran past things that had happened, past things that were going to happen, but he remained focused and looked straight ahead. He was determined to take Jay as far away from the people he cared about as he could.

Minutes passed. He started losing track of time, forgetting why he was where he was.

_What am I running from?_

He looked down at his body and saw that he was no longer giving off yellow lightning, but blue lightning.

_Was my lightning always blue?_

He saw that he was holding someone in one of his hands. It was another Speedster, whose lightning was also blue. He looked at the man's face. He knew the man should look familiar, but he didn't. He noticed the man looked a little sickly, like maybe he was dying. His mouth was moving but Barry couldn't hear what the man was saying. He suddenly felt a calmness wash over him, a peace he had never experienced before.

He stopped and let go of the man he was holding. They both stood looking straight ahead, before turning to face each other. Barry lifted his mask off. A look of confusion was on both of their faces, as they tried to find a memory of the other. The man in black quickly turned his head to something off in the distance. He looked happy.

"I have to run, I can hear it calling to me. It needs me...and I think I need it too."

He looked back at Barry and smiled. Barry couldn't help but feel a sadness, even though the man looked so content. Something wasn't right. He tried to reach out for the man and stop him from going, but the man was gone.

He looked around him. He was alone. A part of him felt the same sadness he had a moment ago, right before the man left, but a bigger part of him felt like he was finally home. He decided to sit for a moment. Despite being happy, the feeling that something wasn't right was nagging at him. He wracked his brain, but kept coming up empty. All he could remember was this place.

Then he heard it.

Something was calling to him, telling him to run, that it would all make sense if he just ran. His body felt warm with electricity. He looked down at his hands as a bolt of blue lightning leapt from one hand to the other.

_When I touched the Flash the other night, I felt a jolt of electricity. The only other time I've felt anything like that was when you were in a coma..._

Somewhere distant in his memory, he saw a woman sitting, talking to him. There was disappointment in her voice, but so much love in her eyes.

_Barry! Do it for me..._

Her face. Her voice. They meant something to each other.

_...and I love you Barry, I won't deny that anymore._

He raised his hands to his head, his eyes scrunched in pain and confusion. He wanted so badly to make sense of it all.

_She could be the one to anchor you here._

He stood up as a rush of memories came flooding back.

 _Iris_.

He remembered.

He had to get back to her. She was left all alone in that cold, dark place waiting for him.

Zoom. He was gone. At least he was pretty sure he was gone. He remembered that when he first got there he wasn't alone. There was another man, but he had run away, claiming that he needed whatever was out there in the distance and that it needed him too. It had worked.

He could feel his memories trying to escape again as the Speed Force continued calling to him, but an even stronger force was pulling him back to where he came from. So he quickly put his mask back on, turned around and ran.

He ran towards home with only one thing on his mind; Iris.


	5. Right Place, Wrong Time

He ran and ran but his mind was still foggy, memories still unclear. He tried to only think of Iris and let the thought of her guide him home, hear her voice calling out for him.

He closed his eyes and pictured her cold and alone in the cell that Jay had put her in. He focused on the anger it made him feel and before he knew it he was standing in front of the cell...but she was no longer there.

"IRIS?!!"

He yelled for her in the empty space but there was no response. He ran to Star labs and found Cisco, Harry and Caitlin all working.

They all looked over at him in shock as he made his not so subtle entrance.

"Guys where's Iris? I went back to the cell to get her out but she's gone. Please tell me he didn't come back and get her before I could!"

They all stayed silent and just stared at him.

"Guys?"

Cisco ran over to his friend and hugged him, still not saying a word. He let out a sigh of relief.

"Dude."

He placed his hands on either side of Barry's arms and leaned back, taking all of him in.

"I can't believe it. See I knew you'd find a way. I never gave up hope."

Barry shook himself out of Cisco's hold and put his hands up by his head in confusion.

"What are you talking about. Cisco, where is Iris?"

Caitlin came to stand by Cisco.

"Barry she's fine. She's probably at CCPN right now," she said as she looked down at her watch.

"There's something you should know though."

He was relieved to hear she was ok, but why had she returned to work so quickly after being kidnapped by Zoom?

"You've been gone a while..."

His eyes grew wide.

"What do you mean a while?"

Harry was now standing in front of him too, on the other side of Cisco.

"You've been gone over three years Mr. Allen...welcome back."

 

              -----------------

 

Barry woke up and was laying in one of the hospital beds in the medical bay at Star labs.

"Morning Barry," he heard Caitlin say.

"I had to run a bunch of tests on you after you passed out last night. I guess all that time in the Speed Force really took it out of you. You should be fine though."

_You've been gone over three years Mr. Allen..._

"I need to go. I need to see Iris."

"She was here all night. She just left maybe 20 minutes ago? She said she would be back here on her lunch break."

"I can't wait that long. I need to see her now."

He took the IV out of his arm and stood up, grabbing his clothes off the chair beside the bed.

"Thanks Caitlin."

"Barry wait you should..."

Before she could finish her sentence he was gone.

 

                    ----------------

 

He stood outside the doors to CCPN, watching her as she smiled and chatted with her coworkers. The last time he had seen her she was screaming for him, crying, scared. It felt like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once.

He opened the door. She turned her head towards him once the breeze from the open door made its way to her. He saw a calmness wash over her. She got up from her chair and grabbed her jacket, waving over to her Editor who gave her a thumbs up. She grabbed her bag and walked over to him.

Time slowed down.

She had never looked more beautiful than in this moment. She was safe. She looked happy. It was all he had wished and hoped for. There was a gloss over her eyes, and he couldn't wait to have her in his arms and tell her it would all be alright. That there was no need for her to cry for him anymore. He would never leave her again.

He held the door for her and she stepped outside.

"Barry."

She went on her tip toes and wrapped her arms around his neck.

She closed her eyes and whispered into his ear, "Let's get out of here, ya?"

He smiled into her shoulder and before she even opened her eyes they were standing on the Jitter's rooftop.

"Iris."

He squeezed her tightly refusing to loosen his grip until she laughed at him and told him she couldn't breathe.

"It feels like I was only gone a few hours...I can't believe it's been a few years. I...I'm so sorry I left you like that."

"It's ok Barry, you saved me. You saved us all...just like you always do. I'm sorry you've missed out on all these years because of me."

"No. Don't do that. This was all because of Zoom, ok? You have nothing to apologize for. I would do it all over again if I knew it meant you'd be safe."

He didn't understand why, but there was a sadness in her eyes. She looked down at her feet and placed her hands in her pockets.

"I love you Iris, just as much as I did then and I promise you, I'll never leave you again. Ever."

Iris started crying and put her hand over her mouth. She walked towards one of the benches and sat down.

"This is so hard...and it's so unfair."

She was shaking her head and wouldn't look at him. He placed his hand on her thigh.

"Iris calm down, it's ok. Everything's going to be ok...."

"I'm seeing someone..."

She said it quickly and she held her breath, unable to move. She closed her eyes and let the tears stream down her face.

"I waited a long time. I never lost hope that you'd come back but everyone told me it was unhealthy to sit around waiting for you...that I had to move on."

Barry moved his hand from her thigh and moved his body to put more space between them. She looked over at him. He looked so broken and it killed her. His whole body language changed. She had just gotten him back and she felt like she was losing him all over again.

She grabbed his hand.

"Barry. Say something...please. I feel horrible."

He stood and walked towards the edge of the roof and looked out over the city. He took a deep breath in and a deep breath out.

"I'm ok Iris. Really...I'm fine. I'm not mad or angry...and I understand. It's just a lot to process right now, ya know? I...I'm gonna need some time. It's probably unfair for me to ask that of you, but could you do that for me? Give me some time?"

He looked over his shoulder, but still wouldn't make eye contact with her.

"Of course Bear. I'll give you whatever it is you need."

She walked over and placed a kiss on his cheek, wet from the tears he'd been crying.

He heard her quietly apologize again before she left him there alone.

He was destined to be alone.

 

                   ----------------

 

Barry turned the key and opened the door to the West house. He found Joe sitting on the couch, he grinned like a little kid at Christmas and stood to give Barry a hug.

"Welcome home Bear."

Barry gave him a sad smile.

"Ya."

He sat down on the couch beside Joe, placing his hands in his lap, twirling his thumbs. Joe could see in his eyes that he'd been crying.

There was silence for a minute.

"Did you talk to Iris?"

Barry leaned his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes. He swallowed the lump in his throat, searching his mind for the words to say.

"I'm destined to lose Joe. I'm destined to be alone. Every single time I find some happiness, every single time I gain something in life it's taken away from me."

Joe shifted his body so that he was sitting sideways facing Barry.

"I love her Joe. You've always known that. It's my one truth. The one constant in my life that I will always, always carry with me. She's my whole world. She's had years to forget about me, to let her love for me fade into the nothingness it's become, but I love her just as much as I ever did. Maybe even more."

"...it was her voice that saved me in there. I was lost and her voice is what pulled me back. I forgot about everything but her. I don't understand it, I should've come back to the exact moment I left."

"I don't know Bear. Maybe when dealing with the Speed Force it's different then when you're actually traveling through time. You didn't actually go anywhere else when you were in there, right? You were just traveling within it? I mean, I'm not gonna pretend to understand it all, but maybe that's how it works."

Barry lifted his head up and turned to Joe.

"It's taking everything in me right now to not go back and figure out a way to go to the place in time where her heart is still mine. And even though I know that wouldn't be right, there's a huge part of me that just doesn't care. Why should I always be the one who loses something, when everyone else gets to keep living? When everyone else gets to love and be loved. I feel more lost right here in this moment, than I ever did in the Speed Force."

He leaned his head back again.

"I can't do it again...watch her be in love with somebody else. I can't. I can withstand a lot of things Joe, but going through that again will absolutely break me."

Joe cleared his throat and wiped his face of the tears he was now crying as well.

"I don't know the right words to say to you right now and I can't imagine the things you've endured."

Barry let out a deep breath.

"I'm gonna head to bed."

He willed himself to stand up and slowly placed one foot in front of the other.

"She has never stopped loving you Barry...and as much as you're hurting right now, she's hurting just as much. You just have to be patient. I've never doubted that you two would get your happy ever after. Don't give up on her ok?"

Barry stopped before walking up the stairs.

"It's not her I'm giving up on Joe. Goodnight."

 

 


	6. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter. 
> 
> This story kind of got away from me a bit, so I've been anxious to have it be done with. Hopefully it's a satisfying ending. Thanks for reading!!

Barry woke up the next morning, head throbbing from all the crying he'd done the night before. He turned to lay on his back and rested his arm across his forehead.  
  
There was so much to do. He'd need to figure out if he could go back to his old job and come up with a plausible story to explain his absence over the last three years. His head hurt more as he thought about all that would need to be figured out, but nothing would be as hard as having to deal with losing Iris...again.  
  
He stood up and made his way to his bedroom door. As he opened it he heard the front door open, followed by her voice calling out to Joe. He leaned against the door frame and listened.  
  
"Hey baby girl."  
  
"Hey dad..."  
  
He noticed how quiet and sad her voice sounded.  
  
"...how is he?"  
  
"Lost. Hurt. I don't think I've ever seen him so distraught."  
  
Barry hung his head and squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry.  
  
"Aww Iris...please don't cry, it was hard enough seeing him cry last night, I can't handle you doing it too."  
  
At that he heard her completely break down. He bit his lip hard and fought against the urge to run downstairs and hold her.  
  
"Shh shh. It's gonna be ok."  
  
Joe held her tight and rubbed up and down her back.  
  
"What if it isn't dad? What if it's never ok again. I should've never stopped waiting for him. I feel like such a terrible person.  
  
He would've never stopped waiting for me."  
  
"Oh sweetie. I don't know what to tell you other then take it one day at a time. Do what feels right to you. I know you really care about Chris and that you don't want to hurt him. No one is going to fault you for taking some time to figure out what this all means. Ok?"  
  
"Ya...  
  
I don't think he wants to see me right now...umm...so will you hug Barry extra tight for me when he comes downstairs?"  
  
Barry signed and rubbed his hand over his heart.  
  
"You bet. I'll see you later sweetie."  
  
Once he heard the door shut and the sound of her car driving off, he made his way slowly down the stairs.  
  
He walked into the kitchen and made a beeline for the coffee.  
  
Joe looked at him as he leaned against the counter.  
  
"It's so strange having you here again after so long. Going about your normal morning routine as if not a day has gone by."  
  
Barry nodded his head at Joe, but didn't turn to face him.  
  
"I want to get a head start on things, I know there's a lot to do so...no sense in wasting any more time right?"  
  
"Right.  
  
Well I've cleared my schedule so I can help you with everything. I mean if you want my help that is."  
  
Barry turned to face him.  
  
"Ya I'd like that. I'm sure there's a lot of things you need to catch me up on too."  
  
They both sipped their coffee and stood in silence for a minute.  
  
"Joe?"  
  
Barry looked down at his coffee and let his shoulders hang.  
  
"Is she happy?"  
  
He looked up at Joe and swallowed hard, not sure he really wanted to hear the answer.  
  
But maybe he could convince himself to let go if he knew she was truly happy. That's all he's ever wanted for her.  
  
"Bear..."  
  
Joe sighed and looked down while he shifted his feet.  
  
"I think she's been pretending to be for a very long time now. But no, no I don't think she's happy. You're her happiness Barry - and I know things are complicated right now, but like I said last night, I have faith you two will work it out.  
  
Just don't push her away. It completely broke her when you went missing. I wouldn't wish the kind of pain she went through on my worst enemy. Let her work this all out with-"  
  
"Chris. I heard you guys talking. Sorry for eavesdropping."  
  
He looked over his cup of coffee at Joe.  
  
"No it's fine.  
  
I mean, she cares about him - but she loves you and has carried that with her every single day. Be patient. Ok?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
                  ---------------------  
  
Iris was sitting at her desk reading the same sentence for what had to be the 7th time in a row. She couldn't focus. Her mind was stuck on Barry. The way it felt to be held by him again. The way it felt to hear him say her name again. She had him back, but not really.  
  
She couldn't just break it off with Chris, could she? He'd been so good to her. So good  _for_ her. He had helped her start living again in the past year that they'd been seeing each other.  
  
It felt like the situation with Eddie all over again - only this time she was sure about how she felt. She was in love with Barry. That was never, ever going to change. The thought of breaking Chris' heart made her feel sick, but the thought of living with her own broken heart and breaking Barry's was suffocating. She took out her phone to text Chris and ask her to meet him for lunch, but was interrupted.  
  
"Hey there beautiful."  
  
She turned her chair and saw Chris walking towards her. She felt herself force a smile.  
  
"Hey."  
  
He leaned down and kissed her forehead.  
  
"I came to check in on you and see how your friend is doing."  
  
Her stomach flipped. Her _friend_. Barry was so much more than that. So much more.  
  
She swallowed and looked down at her hands.  
  
"Can we maybe go back to my place for lunch and talk?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
She grabbed her jacket and her bag and they headed for her place.  
  
                 ---------------------  
  
When she'd first started hanging out with Chris she'd told him that she'd lost someone very close to her. In fact, she'd told him that her boyfriend had died. It was the easiest way to explain what had happened to Barry without going into time travel and the Speed Force and it explained the heart break she was going through.  
  
It had been a little over two years with no word from him, no sign that he was alive. Everyone told her that she needed to at least try to start living a normal life again, so she'd agreed to a date. It was hard and weird for a while, but then slowly it felt easier. He was a nice distraction from the pain that was always bubbling beneath the surface.  
  
They walked into her apartment and she felt her stomach drop.  
  
"Want me to make some pasta quick or -"  
  
She grabbed his arm to stop him before he could walk into her kitchen.  
  
"Wait...could we sit and talk?"  
  
Worry washed over his face and he nodded yes to her as they made their way to the couch. Iris sat beside him and held both his hands in her lap.  
  
"I don't even know where to start...or how to explain this."  
  
She looked down at their hands, searching her mind for the right words to say.  
  
"Iris talk to me, whatever it is I can handle it."  
  
He looked at her reassuringly which made her feel better and worse all at the same time. She took a deep breath.  
  
"Ok. So...you know how  a few years ago I..I lost someone really important to me?"  
  
He nodded to her and rubbed her hands in support.  
  
"...and you know how a few days ago I told you that a close friend had woken up from a coma?"  
  
He nodded again.  
  
"It's the same person...and I don't know how to explain it to you other than he was lost, for a long time...and we all thought he was dead. It's what we had to tell ourselves so we could keep living. But he's back now, by some miracle he came back and all these feelings that never went away are consuming me. I care about you Chris, I do...but..."  
  
She fought back tears as she looked in his eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
He gave her a sad smile and turned his body to face her.  
  
"Please don't be sorry Iris. You're such a wonderful, beautiful person. I can't imagine how hard this all must be...but I understand it."  
  
He hesitated for a second before he continued.  
  
"I love you...but I've always known your heart wasn't mine. You need to go and be with him Iris."  
  
They shared a smile and she leaned over to hug him.  
  
"Thank you Chris, for being so understanding and selfless."  
  
She broke their hug and touched her hand to his face.  
  
"I did care for you, a lot. You were a source of light for me in one of the darkest moments of my life and I'll never forget that. You're gonna make some girl really lucky one day."  
  
He hugged her again before standing.  
  
"Don't waste another second Iris. Go get him."  
  
He gave her one last smile before walking out the door.  
  
She felt a huge weight life off her shoulders, but butterflies still danced around inside her. She grabbed her phone and called her father, knowing that he would most likely be with Barry.  
  
"Hey dad, are you by chance still with Barry?"  
  
"Hey sweetie. I was, but I'm back at home. He said he needed a little alone time, I'm not sure where he went though. Ya know, you could try calling him. I'm sure he'll pick up."  
  
"No it's ok, I know where he is. Thanks."  
  
"Of course. Hey...is everything ok?"  
  
She smiled into the phone.  
  
"I think it will be. Love you."  
  
She made a quick call to CCPN explaining that she needed to take the rest of the day off, but would work from home in the evening. She grabbed her keys and her bag and ran for the door.  
  
                 ----------------------  
  
She slowly made her way outside and a soft breeze swept through her hair. He was standing in the distance, his back to her as he looked out over the city.  
  
_....I guess what I'm trying to say, and failing at apparently, is that I'm in love with you Barry. Head over heels in love with you._  
  
The night she confessed her feelings to him all those years ago played in her head. She tried to not let doubt creep in and take away the courage she was feeling.  
  
"Hey," she called out softly.  
  
He turned quickly at the sound of her voice. His eyebrows lifted and his mouth was slightly open. He shoved his hands in his pockets before he spoke.  
  
"How'd you know I'd be here?"  
  
She tucked her hair behind her ear and shrugged her shoulders with a smile.  
  
"It's...our spot."  
  
They stood only a few feet apart now, chests rising and falling rapidly. Tears evident in both their eyes.  
  
"Remember a few years ago when we stood here?"  
  
He took a slow breath in but didn't say anything.  
  
"Well....," her voice cracked and she reached a hand out to hold his face. She looked him over, taking all of him in.  
  
"Look at you," she said in a whisper as a tear made it's way down her cheek.  
  
"You're here. You're real. You came back."  
  
She started crying and buried her face in his shoulder.  
  
"I'm still head over heels in love with you Barry. I'll always, always be in love with you."  
  
He wrapped his arms around her and leaned his head on hers.  
  
"Iris."  
  
They stood and held each other, neither one wanting to let go.  
  
"What about Chris?"  
  
She leaned her head back and looked up at him shaking her head.  
  
"It's over. I explained it all to him...I mean the best I could. He always knew I wasn't over you."  
  
"You didn't have to do that Iris, I was willing to give you time I- "  
  
"No. Time is exactly what I don't need more of Barry. I don't want to wait another second to be with you. I need you. I need us. Now. I'm done waiting."  
  
The pleading urgency in her voice surprised him. The confidence in her love for him was overwhelming. He bent down and kissed her. They clung to each other, their bodies, their lips. Every fiber of their beings connected.  
  
"I'm sorry for getting lost - for losing all that time with you."  
  
"It's ok," she said between kisses.  
  
"You came back, that's all that matters now."  
  
They hugged a moment longer.  
  
"So. What are your plans the rest of the day? I know it's gonna be a lot of work bringing you back to life," she laughed.  
  
"But I was hoping we could go back to my place. I have so much to tell you."  
  
He kissed her again.  
  
"There's nothing else I'd rather do."  
  
She interlocked their fingers and held onto his arm with her other hand. He smiled at her need to be so close to him. He stopped her before she opened the door.  
  
"Just so you know, I'm head over heels in love with you too Iris...and I always will be."


End file.
